feet are made for walking

21 Jan

i currently have cold feet.  Yes, this is a reference both to the literal weather outside and to the idiom related to my procrastination about applying for a new job.

My feet are easier to talk about, so i shall begin with them: The UK has seen ‘treacherous’ snowy conditions for a few days now, and so I thought, rather than complain about the current ‘snowmaggedon’ that the news keeps on telling us we are experiencing (which we, as a country, seem to be surprised at every year), that I would be better suited talking about something that I thought was caused by the cold, but in fact wasn’t.

No, apparently the nerves inside my body (rather than outside?) are behaving like the badly-gritted M62; not getting the traffic they are carrying through to their destination effectively (I thank you).  The traffic being electrical impulses saying that my feet are not cold and numb and the destination being my brain.

Despite dunking them in a bath of hot water, wrapping them up in many layers of socks (minimum three) and shaking my legs constantly, making myself look like a beached Mer-man, I cannot get my feet warm and the feeling is not coming back.  it has been 4 days now, and the doctor has today confirmed to me that this is an MS relapse.  This is, first and foremost, an annoyance, but also a motivator to make my health the most important thing for me to deal with within my life.  I have already been granted certain changes to my roster (I work shifts; already known to be detrimental to health), but I need to make my hours still more like regular office hours to regulate my sleeping patterns and to negate any stress caused by fatigue, by which I am sure this current is issue is at least partially caused.

I cannot deny that my natural tenacity in getting what I want has never been high, leading me to follow the course of least resistance through much of my life so as not to cause offence to, or problems for others, to the extent that I have been unsure of what I myself have wanted from life for a very long time.

Given a direct threat to my lifestyle and, in effect, my whole existence (and of course the acceptance of this being a threat of this sort, rather than the denial of its effects) I am becoming more and more motivated to do things, rather thasn to let things happen to me as has been my wont in the past.

I do, however, still find myself having to fight the urge to do nothing and to give excuses for my failures.  I am currently in the midst of looking for a new job and have found quite a number of vacancies that I would be suitable for given my skills and aims in life, but have not yet applied for a single one.

This is where I’m supposed to begin exploring the reasons for my lack of activity on this front,    but I am not sure that this would be helpful; interesting, perhaps, and good writing practise, definitely, but I am a little worried that it would very quickly become a list of self-castigating events that would be of no practical use to me whatsoever.

So, unsatisfyingly for the reader, I will not be discussing any further; I prefer instead to get on with addressing these issues and actually applying for these jobs.  I promise i will try and make this blog more of a discussion point for other readers soon, but as you can probably tell, I’m using it as a tool for myself primarily at the moment.  I’m sure that I can also make it a bit more fun and interactive, rather than just a drawn out list of the issues that concern me, but if anything has been of relevance to anyone else, please feel free to comment.

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